From darkness to light, still walking 🚶

Strangely. My mind operate differently over a few days.

For the past two years, I was so afraid of many things. One of the greatest fear I have is fear of rejection. This fear causes me to hesitate much from taking action, wanting to be perfect so that no one can find fault in me, defend and reluctant to heed for correction, suppressing my real intention and become manipulative, becoming protective and doubtful and very reserved. I know the best about the changes in me and I can’t accept myself becoming such person. As a result, I lost self esteem. I kept blaming myself. I had deep sense of worthless. Slowly my blame turns to others. I leak my anger in conversation, indirectly, I would make the person looks bad. Haha. Can you imaging how my life is messed up. I lost good friends. I lost performance in work. I was deeply anxious and insecure. I was not happy at all. I was tired easily. I was restless. I lost trust. I lost acceptance. Funny that my fear became reality! I get what I fear the most! All of these happen subconsciously.

Often time, we won’t realise what’s wrong. We just react and say and do thing the way we knew how. How is it possible to change then and have a empowered life?

First of all, a safe and non judgmental environment where a person can listen, understand, reflect honestly and clearly and..  Then the next action they do depend on who they are. A compassionate friend will comfort. A wise friend will enlighten. A listening friends will sympathise. But often time, they are lack of experience and don’t know what is the right thing to do, and we may become dependent to them and that’s not healthy.

So the best choice is the go to the professionals. So, life coach or counselor? I will talk about this in details next.

Back to topic, now my mind is in another direction. A positive and empowering one. I fear less. I trust more in God and am more secure. I worry less and if I worry, am able to switch my mind to a positive one. I am more thankful for life. I genuinely appreciate people for who they are. I take up many projects. I know what I want clearly and I go for it. I am still on the journey, and I will still face many challenges. But now I have tools and I know where to get supports.

Thank God for my Christan friends, coach Nadine and counselors. They stand by me up and down and are still with me. Holy Spirit who is working in me, keeping my heart soft and tender. Jesus who is my Savior and gives me strength to resist Satan and temptations . God who heals my wounds and train me into His righteousness.


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