Yesterday night was very rough for me. 8pm, I was hungry. I was tired. I was lonely, I thought of looking out for friends to accompany me. I need someone to talk, to share my emotion, to know that I am not alone. But I felt so difficult to even make a call. This friend… she probably will say she is too busy, why should I seek for rejection? That friend… she probably doesn’t enjoy me, I don’t want to force myself to other… this friend… he will be awkward to accompany me one to one. Another friend.. I am so tired already, I don’t want to spend more energy to do more… This friend.. we just met, this is too much for her.. Finally I called one friend. And she said I could come to her house after dinner. I felt much better. But I didn’t go after all. After dinner I was home, and I didn’t want to go out anymore. I was flat. Why is so hard here. Why am I here, so lonely. But I thought of Jesus said in John 14. This is what Jesus said the night before he knew he would be put to death on the cross. The first thing he prayed to God, was to comfort us. Even though he would be gone physically, His spirit would be with us. He is together with us (John 14).
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.”
18 I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. 19 Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. 20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me.The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”
In the morning, I met a Christian lady from my church. She asked how am I. And I told her how I felt for what happened in these few years. I took care not to slander anyone. I didn’t talk about who’s right who’s wrong and what should be. Mainly my feelings and struggles. My hurts, my pains, my disappointments. I cried. She listened, comforted, assured, and prayed for me. And she promised she will uphold the trust I gave her. I felt her love and care. After going through the feeling of rejection and being abandoned, I was overwhelmed.. so I sat down by myself and processed my feelings. What value did I/she generate just now? What would I/she like to be acknowledged? We generated love, trust, honesty, vulnerability, understanding, care, maturity… she is caring, loving, understanding, mature. I was open, honest, growing, learning, and connecting.
And then I went to my lab to analyse data. Haha, however it turned out I focus 70% of my time on researching on nutrient for health after conversation with colleague about her eyes problem. O not too bad, 30% on my Master research. I sorted out my data for the next phase of analysis.
Slowly, time’s out. I rushed to give tuition. Upon arriving, the parent told me to stop giving kids gift as reward of study, so that they don’t fall into temptation of being materialism. I did notice that trend and I talked to the kid about the purpose of rewarding system. The mommy is wise to remove the temptation. However in my opinion, we can train the kid to learn how to focus on the right purpose in spite of temptation. They need a platform to practise. And I am there all the time to observe and to guide the kid. But aha, now only I thought of these. Too late to explain to the mom. I promised her already and I will respect her decision too. Yea. I got think about other methods to motivate my kids. Thanks God for the experience!
Sitting here now reflecting the day, I almost fall into self-sabotaging myself. It was so painful to go through those feelings and I don’t like it at all. I almost blame myself for being so hurt for being so vulnerable. I almost drive myself into ‘I should..’ or ‘I shouldn’t…’, and trying to fix myself, telling myself I am not good enough, and enter into the never ending chasing perfection yet deem to fail cycle. But good job Wen Shiow for being aware of all these! Just like the kids, I need to train on resisting temptation. Of all temptation, inner thought is the most dangerous, it can destroy from within. No wonder in the bible, God wants us to think positively (Phil 4:8).
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.