Being more conscious about myself, i am now more aware of my expectation. Today, I realised one of my expectation on people relating to me, and I started to understand the way I react since I was young.
All the while, when people call me or come to talk to me, I will return words like, ‘what do you want?’, ‘anything?’, ‘why?’, with irritated tone. This has to do with my own personality, my encounter in life, and my protection. Things was, when I was young, I didn’t feel safe to talk when I was wounded. Now I wish that, I would have a safe place to run to whenever I need a comforting embrace.
But now, I will talk to people naturally, open and interacting. How does the change take place? It is a long journey.
As I grow up and have more healthy relationship with loving people who are follower of Jesus, I started to change. At first, I was still very defensive. One time, five years ago in 2010, my finger turned red when I spilled hot water. One friend cared for me and asked me how am I and she wanted to give first aid. But I was feeling very frustrated but the care, like I don’t need you and I can take care of myself. I felt the conflict in my heart. Why do I reject when I want it desperately? Maybe I did’t trust myself worthy to be loved. Maybe I was too afraid of being disappointed.
Just now, my friend called me to sell me something. And suddenly I understand that I dislike it, not because I disapprove making money,or disapprove people for whatever they are doing, but because of I expect people to concern me. Or better to say, I wish I am being cared in a deep and personal level. I long for love. However under layer and layer of protection and unhealthy perception of relationships, I couldn’t see myself. But now, with God’s love and grace, I started to see and tearing down all the layers and started to be who I really am, I change.