Yesterday night, I was on a car journey with friends. My friend A is driving. We talked about to take turn to drive. I offered to drive the return trip. But the other friend B asked friend A to drive both ways instead.
Then we talked about car insurance. Friend B was thinking who to put as a secondary driver in the insurance policy. I suggested friend C. C said, B is very clumsy, what if B drives and bump the car and make it damaged. I said I am clumsy also but I still drive safely for years. B said, O no, then the car will be in bad shape. I defended, no, I actually didn’t had many mistake in driving, those accidents were done by others. Then nobody say anything any more.
I was upset. I felt not being trusted and rejected. I found my friends often turn down my offer to help, or not understanding me.
Today I prayed Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know me my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
I thought about this case, and ponder about the origin my reaction.
For the driving case, could it be my belief of how serving shows love and being trusted is often depicted in a given role and that I find sense of worthiness in fulfilling the task? Yes. And my belief is limited. I need to stretch myself more to see the world.
Two key things are here: love & trust
How about others? Yes, people are different in different environment.
Maybe to them, love means gives space and rest, and trust means you don’t have to do anything to prove your worthiness? That sounds great to me!
From here, I see another question coming up. Wen Shiow, are you seeking approval from people? Yes, I look too much on people and put my security on people. If I continue to put people’s approval as my security, I am bound to be disappointed. Instead, I put my security in God who is perfect, compassionate, graceful, righteous, everlasting (Proverbs 29:25).
Wen Shiow, do you trust people? Yes, I will trust them. However my security is in God.
Wen Shiow, would you like to see people’s essence instead of just your own world? Yes, just as God see us as His people. We are God’s image (Gen 1:27). I choose to see this, acknowledge God in people.
Wen Shiow, would you believe in yourself that your act of love is not made less by other’s rejection? Yes I believe and stand in my essence, as salt as light as God’s children.
For the car case, could I be taking the conversation too personally? Yes, I was too serious and insecure of who I am.
They were just joking, not attacking me, right? Yes, they didn’t meant to hurt anyone.
Then where does the hurt come from, could it be from me? Yes, it is my own fear of being perfect that make me cannot accept myself and become sensitive.
Am I not accepting myself as who I am, and cannot trust myself? Yes. Taking from this experience, I learned that I am just the way I am and God made me this way!
What does this take me to and impact me? I ended up with low confidence and sensitive.
Beside being defensive, how else can I come from? Trusting God, accepting myself, trust others.
And key issue around all these is, Wen Shiow, do you value people, including yourself? Yes I do.
Would you focus on how to love them and understand them and yourself? Yes I focus on this,
Do you seek to good relationship with people and self? Yes, of course!
This incident remind me, in regard to social interaction, how I struggle between trusting God and coming from fear:
Apple can be apple without making durian less.
Let apple be apple and durian be durian, each at their own essence!
Give thanks in all circumstances. Appreciate life. Acknowledge God.
God, You are compassionate Father and love to see me growing. I thank you for talking to me and teaching me to learn how to embrace myself and the world. I thank for my friends and that I am sharpen by their company. I thank for Your grace that hold us together. Lord, I pray that you will continue to shine light into my heart. In Jesus’s name I pray, AMEN.
Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them