I was reading a book where the author wrote to people who has touched her life, gave her love and grace and how God used them to path her way to Christ.
As I read, I resonant with the feeling of fear as a child. while the author look out others to find love, I realise that as a child, I denied everything to avoid pain. As a result, I couldn’t remember much thing in life.
I think as a child, I was very painful to see the coldness in my family. I grew up in answering every questions “I don’t know”, “whatever”, “up to you”, “it’s ok”. I closed my eyes to see people. I don’t see when people are upset with me or happy with me. I only see task and function. My focus was on study and doing.
Up to recent year, most thing in my life was good. I never dislike anything. I never have bad feeling such as guilt, worry, shame, being wronged, etc.. but when I told my mother I wanted to work as full-time ministry, everything mask that our family wear broken down and I was forced to face the reality.
But now I look back at my family, I can see how each member played a role, how we are dysfunction.
My father didn’t earn much. Many times, he would be angry over us for not folding clothes, things not placed in the right place, house not clean enough, my room is messy, etc. He seldom talk much. I remember when I was little, my father brought me to hair cut. But I didn’t want it. He pulled my ears, so long and painful, and I felt like I was disobedient child and my feeling was not being concerned, I remember also when I was five years old, I wanted to buy a sticker. I knew there was money in the drawer. I thought everything in the house was shared. So I reached out to the drawer and just wanna take RM1. My father caught me and without a words he slapped me. I don’t remember the rest. I didn’t see myself as stealing. Now, I still don’t see this as stealing. As a little child, and even now, I don’t think taking things from family as stealing. We are family and we share, isn’t it? I wasn’t taught if I want anything, I can ask nicely. Since this incident, I didn’t dare to want anything since then. I thought wanting things is equal to being greedy. And this has greatly affect me in my life. Yes, I become easy-going and accepting most things. Life seems to be easier and happier. However I became disconnected to my feeling. I don’t know what I want and it is hard to put in commitment. At the same time, I gain sense of worth from performance. [lot more here but I couldn’t sort out yet.. to fill in later.]But now, after accepting Christ, I found love. By God’s grace, I forgave my father. Our relationship improves.