Life still go on.


Yesterday I talked to my mentor.

I notice that when I tell my struggles/ problem/ issue, and was able to fully explain how it came, how I am taking action to resolve it, etc, I feel insecure and anxious. When receive comment and questions that probe to other ways. I feel being judged, I am not doing good enough, I am wrong, I feel being misunderstood, in fact, I don’t want people think bad about me, I don’t want people to be disappointed by me. I would tend to cry in sadness and hurt because people don’t see me as who I really am, that I am making effort to be responsible, to work out life, to overcome my weakness, etc.

This make me to self defend, to explain more what I have done so that people don’t wrong me, I become bitter, and become hard to listen, strong in opinion and justification, hard to appreciate other and care for other’s feeling.

I wish to receive sympathy, acknowledgment and encouragement instead, I need support in feeling before receiving guidance, correction, teaching, enlightenment, etc,.

Actually, I am insecure of who I am and how people see me, I afraid they will see me as failure. Subconsciously, I have hard time to trust myself to be good, especially when I am not kind and good and I mess up alot, in view of my past hurt, I have hard time to trust others too.

This pattern come up more with people who I depend more. Because when I depend on people, I subconsciously put myself as lower position, not having much choice, have to submit to authority. I need them and I want to please them.

This fear is trying to

  • protect me from  misunderstanding.

  • justify that I am brilliant

  • protect me from being hurt

But the impact:

  • holding back to corrections

  • emotional hurt,

  • building tension in relationship,

  • distrust

  • no progress

The healthy perspective:

  • people didn’t mean to offend me or put me down. They come from a good motive to help me to move on.

  • It is not about me, but about the issue

  • Asking does not mean doubting, people are trying to understand,  suggesting and giving idea, helping me to come out from the mud
  • I am at choice and am responsible to my life, to be who I am

  • People are doing their best for me according to their knowledge and resources, eg time, energy, sharing, etc.

  • Everybody is different, and that could be fun and interesting right, God has designed each of us to be unique

  • Caring is a skill, while I may know what it is and expect it, but not everybody has the skill. Just as I may expect my parent to be good in building family, but they may not be able to because they don’t know, they don’t come from a good environment, etc. >> I may know too much. Now instead of hoping to receive, why not start giving?

  • only God can be perfect and good

  • only God can judge me, and Jesus has taken care of this already

  • God is discipline me, and His grace will see me through

Alternative reaction to the situation:

  • Tell others that I am not feeling right, need to stop and take a deep breath, clear my mind, make a stand of peace

  • Clarify and ask where are they coming from

Practices:

  • Be initiative to cultivate good values. Instead of expecting to receive, start giving on what I believe to be good, in this case, caring skill. surrender my need to God

  • secure in Christ, read John 14-16 more

  • Pause, listen more and notice where the other come from

  • be with imperfection, accept, and learn something from it, maybe laugh at it

  • instead of beating up myself, acknowledge myself, this is not being prideful, but loving myself

  • stand up for my need and be independent, yet be open to other

  • live in spirit instead of flesh

I declare I am responsible to all of it.

I forgive myself to go this way.

I am willing to declare complete just as it is and just as it is not.

I am leaving behind being childish and selfish

I am learning to communicate and be responsible to my life, my emotion, my interpretation, my behaviour, and to be graceful, to depend on God more

This experience has given me gift of love and acceptance from my mentor and myself

Even though I copied this from somewhere, but nevertheless, I thank God.

Thank You, Father, that You know me, You hear me, and You see my tears. Remind me through difficult times that You are God, You are on the throne, and You are eternally good.

And thank You, Lord, not only for my eternal salvation, but for the salvation You afford every day of my life as You save me from myself, my foolishness, my own limited insights, and my frailties in light of Your power and strength.

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One thought on “Life still go on.

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  1. Wow. Thank you so much for being so honest with your feelings and hurt. I admire your courage and honesty. You process your thoughts so well. I can tell that blogging is helpful in understanding your thoughts. Praise God that he is a perfect Father, and he knows everything about you with you having to explain. He is full of grace and love!

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