It has been two years that I dwelt in the past. I was broken. Two years to realize, to acknowledge, to pick up pieces, to restore, to rebuild, to move on, and to hope again.
It was like a heaven to me, I enjoyed studying, I enjoyed the home, I enjoyed close relationships, I enjoyed learning and growing in Christ. I feel painful and sad when I think I lost it. But when I change another angle to look at it, that I once owned the life, I feel warm and blessed. I miss it so much. I miss my dear housemates. I miss those time we lived and laughed together, seeing each other everyday, and learn about each other everyday. Sometimes we disagreed with each other, but we reconciled. And the beautiful part is, we are still keeping in contact. Thinking about them, I feel grounded, my heart is at home. I wish I could have more time to prepare my heart when I left. I wish I could say proper goodbye, spend more time with people when I left. But everything moved on so fast. I had no choice. I remember, at the sight of my dear friend, my tears just came. However I wasn’t allowed to express more. My fear kept me in. I was afraid of being vulnerable.
Well… now thinking back, I had faithfully and joyfully served the house. I volunteered to manage the household, to collect money, to arrange duty roster, to do house chores, to oversee what is to be improved, etc. I had also cooked for friends, invited friends to enjoy meal with us, gave my friends a ride, and organised trips. Sometimes, I think I was not considerate enough. My speech may not be graceful enough. I was insensitive to others. I didn’t counsel from others.
My carefree university life was finished. My root building in Christ was finished. Some of the friendships seems unfinished. I bless them, I wish them live their life to the full. I am pink.
I am taking from this warmth, grace, love. I give up being bitter. resentful, jealous, wounded, and grieving. No more pious orphan.
This experience had gave me growing in Christ, precious memory, the joy of relating to and serving people.
Next, I am going to build up again such environment, for others and also for myself.