These few weeks, I felt low. I can’t feel being loved. I wonder how to receive God’s love. I feel so dry.. but thanks God, not that dry until I feel worthless. At lease this is something good, not that low until I go into depression again. At least I still can work. At least I still can come out from emotions. At least I am not sinking. I know the moment when depression hit me. Two years ago. When I developed fear. When I seemed like trapped in a luxury cage. I didn’t know about my condition in the beginning. I just get sad and I will cry suddenly. I was broken. Now I still am, but getting healing. Slowly.
Sometimes I wonder why God you want to expose my wound of worthlessness.. I was happy… but unless God open the wound, I can’t be healed.. He is renewing me, and rebirth by the Holy Spirit.. but in the process, so much pain! Ooocchhhh!! Never in my life that I cried so much as in this year.
I was afraid to share my negative thought. Yea what was holding me? I felt lousy. I felt so bad. My walk with God is not good. I couldn’t feel love from God. I couldn’t serve. In view of my own emptiness, I know that everyone else will share how they claim the promise of God, how they endure with God’s strength, how they see God etc.. I feel so jealous. I feel like wanting to hide myself. I feel so much in darkness and I can’t face the light and I want to run away.
Yea I was comparing to others. I suck. I couldn’t connect. I am so much into thinking of myself.
But in all these, I didn’t attack others. I hold my tongue to guard any ungraceful words from coming out. I didn’t blame others for not meeting my needs. I didn’t interrupt their dynamics. Instead I called others to ask for help. If they were busy, I moved on to the next person. I looked out for the interests of others too. I thanked those who noticed my condition and I asked for prayers. I confessed my sin to trusted brother.
Well done Wen Shiow, you didn’t let fear get hold on others. You didn’t let bitter root defile many.
God I need you. You are my God, You have to sustain me. You are my vine, You got to nourish me.
Wen Shiow, learn to accept yourself. Just as how I accept others. Learn to repent and rest in God, to gain strength in quietness and trust. Forgive myself for not being able to feel loved. Forgive myself for being jealous. Jesus has died for all my sin. Stand firm in my identity as children of God, say no to negative thought. Just as I will teach kid to say no to bad thing. I think teaching is good for me. As I teach from my heart, I can understand the love of God, just as how He is teaching me. Wen Shiow, choose the truth, not feelings.