I am still angry with God for things happened in the past few years. But at the same time, I am not angry anymore. Confusing right.. because my emotion is not synchronize to my life. Yea… my emotion is very slow to present, but I accept this.
And I want to complete of everything I have gone through in years, all the tears, all the confusing moments, all the break downs, all the grief etc..
I always suppress my emotion.. I fear that if I voice out, nobody will accept me… including God. Then I would try my best to perform, be nice, be perfect and please everyone.. deep down, actually I feel even more unacceptable. Pious orphan is crying and trying very hard to earn favor.
Pious Orphan. What are you trying to protect me? God is here with us.
Aww.. Wen Shiow, let her talk. Be more kind to her. Be patient. I notice that my thinking is faster and stronger than emotion, and dominating my whole life. I will be slower, in order to allow my emotion to come out.
Pious orphan.. is trying to protect me from being alone. Even to voice out this, she is so afraid. She fears that after saying this, she will be seen as selfish and people will walk away. It is me myself, that I cannot accept being weak and that I shut down my emotion. I am sorry. Let us go hand to hand, I embrace you. God is our Father. Amen.
God, You are my vine. I know You are good to me. You want me to know my own value throughout this journey, to show me that I am precious to you. You are not pleased with me that I see myself as worthless, abandoned child. You are not pleased with me that I always doubt and look down at myself.
God, how I responded with fear! But I accept this. I forgive myself to go that way. I grew up without God. I grew up protecting myself the best I can, subconsciously. Now I have God. I have choice to be free. Amen. Knowing Jesus Christ is so precious!
After all, it is not my anger, not pride, but fear of being alone, fear of being rejected… That’s ok. I am human being. However with Christ in my life, I can respond with God’s grace. Hallelujah!
Now I can distinguish fear, God, I, my respond, emotion, thinking, purpose, Jesus, Holy Spirit. Be one.. integrate.. come into whole being.