Deep Wound that I never realise.

Today I read this counseling magazine about sexual assault and sexual harassment. As I read, I started to know what is it and how the victim feels and how does it impact the victim physically emotionally spiritually.

I remember when I was kid, maybe 4 or 5 years old? I and my siblings were taken care by neighbour. My parents were busy working. The care giver has a boy. We kids liked to play video game. I wanted to play but I was always neglected. And this boy, maybe 9 or 10 years old? said he could let me to play if I obey him in this. We hide in between mattress, and he hug me and kiss me on my lip. I wasn’t comfortable and his mouth was smelly.

Another related incidence was, my cousin, taught me to play and pretend we are prostitute. I think I was 7 years old maybe.

I have never told anyone about all these things. I also don’t know how these things may have impact my life. It could be one of the reason that I am cold to people and always keep to myself, not wanting to relate or naturally enjoy people. These experiences may make me always feel that I have to be always correct and perfect, doing everything right, but I never feel good to accept praise. Praise to me is like a burden, there are some costs I have to pay if I receive praise.  I shouldn’t have wanted anything. I doubt on people’s motive when they are nice to me.

But, I am willing to make it a complete here, this moment, as I release it from myself. I forgive the boy. I forgive myself. I forgive my cousin. All these past experience have no more impact on me. I am a grown up now. I know what is right and what is wrong. I know how to set boundary. I can protect myself. Above all, God will fill me in with His pure unconditional love and protect me. So fear not. Enjoy relationships. Fear not, for I am precious in God’s eyes and I deserve blessings.


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