Defeated


Waking up, I feel so sorry that I need so much of other’s support. I must have been a burden to others and I must have hurt them. Wen Shiow, what’s the use to say sorry.. no use.. but change.. what do you expect? Expect people to say I am sorry? Is there anything we are not doing enough or not clear enough that make you feel so? We acknowledge your feeling, but this is what we think best for you? What do you expect… You keep saying sorry but you are still like that, your sorry is so empty. I actually really didn’t know that things have been moving so fast, I was not observing and looked too much into the past. I am so much sucked up by myself. I am suck. Haiz.. although things are moving, but I am not able to catch up all the changes. Yea.. I know that my observation is bad bad bad.. despite how much I try to see, but I am not seeing.. I am asking, but I am not listening, I am sorry, but I am not repenting, I am talking, but I am not interacting.. Again and again I destroy my meaningful relationship and now even with mature adult. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.. I am so ashamed..so shameful… yea… I lost the ability to serve.. I lost the heart to appreciate.. I lost the sight of others.. yea.. now I am aware of many of my weaknesses and I really don’t know how to close the gap.. so defeated. I am too unrealistic and not seeing the world enough. I throw too much thing on others. I just do without thinking how people will feel. Wen Shiow, it’s ok. You are naive. That is it. You are inexperience, that is it. You will grow! And growing is painful. I acknowledge you for being courageous to see your own mistakes and to admit it and open it. I know I overdo lot of things… I throw too much on others. I need too much of other’s affirmation. I lost judgement of doing things because I am so clouded by fear. Wen Shiow, discern more!! You have knowledge.. but now transform all these knowledge into wisdom. You will be great lady. You will be understanding and mature. Don’t give up, ok? Don’t…. if you need a place to tell, you can always blog here. And learn how to contain your own emotions. Take burden of your own. 

I was really hoping on the thing people told me. I heard this this this and I really imaging how nice it would be… then I can put down what I have and go for it. How naive.. hahaha… how irresponsible.. and I am the one who frustrated all the plan. How nice and good people are to me. When I am joyful, I told them. And they told me, that’s good, but we want to check with you a few times to make sure you are good already. I think this has changed also. Really.. I shouldn’t keep so tightly on people’s word already. I should judge for myself. And they are sincere also. Balance, Wen Shiow. Balance. Give yourself and people some space. Balance. 

So Wen Shiow, stand up for yourself, for Jesus, for people! Wen Shiow, it’s ok.. there is no failure but learning experience. Instead of feeling ashamed, yes for awhile, but after grieving, channel the energy to action. Look forward!!! And remember you are not perfect.. it is ok not to be good… it is ok..

Relax Wen Shiow, not a big deal!! Yea lo, weak ma weak. Mistake is mistake, but Wen Shiow is not a mistake!! Learn to separate yourself from the problem so that you will not be a problem. Even Peter denied Jesus for three times, and God still uses him. God has seen through us. But His plan is moving on and His name is glorified. Wen Shiow, choose faith hope love. 

Wen Shiow, you are totally amazing and challenging lady. You venture out to emotional world and take up the challenge, not running away. Yea there could be mistake but I know you are growing up. 

Wen Shiow I know that you want to be good. But don’t be anxious. Real root take time and effort. You play trumpet right. You know how it is like, having wrong foundation since the beginning and have to take up the most most basic thing again and be frustrated not to be able to “play well" as before, have to spend time on little basic thing. Yea mentor will help. But what is more important is your daily practice. Mentor can only spend an hour a week to check with you and tell you what is right and slowly, you will get to recognize the good sound and you move towards it. People are open to help you. But be considerate. Think about their schedule. Treat them nicely. Respect them, not taking them for granted. 

Don’t let the feeling of guilt and shame to overtake you. Wen Shiow, you are courageous! Yea I am wrong. I feel bad. That’s common. But move on after this. Renew yourself. Be patient.. you are clueless.. so it is normal that you tried but yet make things worse. But you would learn the hard lessons.  

Remember I learn. People will not understand me while I am in the process of all these learning and doing mistake. They can’t know me inside out. Telling is not use. Action speaks louder than words. Don’t give up! 

廣告

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